5 things people who live alone secretly want you to know

living alone secret woman

Leave your email for the latest from the Living Well Alone Project.

Solo living is on the rise – but it’s not a lifestyle that everyone understands. In fact, there are probably more misperceptions about living alone then any other lifestyle, despite it being an increasing common – and even preferred – way to live.

As people who live alone, we spend a lot of time explaining ourselves – and while we’ll probably smile and answer your questions politely, it can sometimes feel like having the same conversation over and over again.

The joy of running a blog and an online community, is that you can use them to set the record straight. So we asked people who live alone to tell us the things they secretly wished their friends and family knew about their lives.

Here’s what they said.

  1. Living alone doesn’t mean we’re lonely

This is the single most important thing that we want you to know. When it comes to living alone, we want you to know that a huge difference between being by yourself, and being lonely. If what I want is to curl up with a book, potter around my house, or daydream in a luxurious bath, then being by myself is absolutely fine – in fact, being able to do these things without interruption is one of greatest joys of living alone! But if what I want is to download after a hard day and there’s no one to hear me out, then I might well start to feel a bit lonely.

The point is that loneliness isn’t unique to those who live alone, and it’s actually as common for those living with others to report feeling lonely. In fact, many people who live alone told us that they feel far less lonely now than they did when they lived with others, especially where they were in a relationship that wasn’t working out.

Loneliness is more common when living alone doesn’t feel like a choice (for example, following a bereavement), or where physical or mental health make it hard to socialise. However, for every person who feels this way, there are many others who feel able to bring the right level of connection into their solo lives.

In other words, we may be lonely, or we may not, depending on our circumstances. But unless we’ve explicitly told you that we are struggling, then there is a good chance that you’re worrying when you don’t need to be – and that we’re actually connected, happy, and loving our solo lives!

  1. ….but telling us ‘we’re so lucky’ can feel a bit misplaced

Here’s the thing – it’s easy to idolise other people’s lives. Alongside ‘aren’t you lonely?,’ another common response to telling someone we live alone is ‘you’re so lucky’ – usually accompanied with something like ‘it must be nice not to have any responsibilities.’ This can feel like a backhanded compliment, for several reasons.

First, no life is perfect – and our lives are no different. We have good days, and we have bad days – just like you. Sometimes we feel on top of the world, other days we just want to sit and eat ice cream. When you tell us our lives must be ‘so great,’ we either feel guilty for having ‘down’ days, or guilty for enjoying our lives. Either way, it probably isn’t having the impact you intended!

Secondly, it grates when you imply that are lives are somehow more carefree or less taxing than yours. We may not have children living at home (at least not all of the time), but that doesn’t mean we don’t have responsibilities. We may have demanding careers, and we are also more likely than those in couples / families to be called to support family members who need care, to step in as babysitters for nieces and nephews, and to play active roles in our communities. Our lives may look different to yours, but that does not make them any less demanding.

  1. We’re not all looking for a life partner – and your acceptance matters to us

The vast majority of people who live alone are also single. That means that we’re used to hearing the usual questions. How are our love lives? Are we seeing anyone? Have we found anyone yet?

The reality is that some of us will be looking for relationships, while others will not. But in the same way that we wouldn’t ask you about the intimate details of your relationship unless you had volunteered something to suggest we should, then we’d also prefer it if you didn’t put us on the spot.

We may be looking for a relationship, but it may be uncomfortable for us to discuss our dating lives with you if we are struggling to find someone, or if it’s early days and we’re not sure how it’s going yet. We also feel bothered that you’re defining you by our ‘singleness’ – especially if your description includes a negative (e.g.: ‘not married,’ ‘not with anyone yet’). Our lives are multi-dimensional, rich, and full of meaning – just like yours. We have friends, hobbies, jobs and interests, and we like to think there’s more to us than just our relationship status. Surely there must be something else that we can talk about!

It might also be that we’ve actively chosen not to seek out a new relationship. We may have been through trauma that means we don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else. We may have chosen to concentrate on our own lives for a while. We may just have decided that a long-term relationship isn’t for us – there are a growing number of people who have made that choice, and are perfectly content with that decision.

We know you’re worried about us, that you want us to find someone special, and that you think our lives will improve when we do. Bear in mind that it may not be easy for us to hear this from you. When your worry is driven by your own assumptions about what a ‘good’ life looks like, it can either make us feel like we’re failing because we’re not living up to your expectations, or it can feel like you don’t respect the choices we’ve made, and the fact that we may have a different world view.

We want you to know that living alone doesn’t mean living without love – we just find it in different ways. We may not have chosen – or been able – to walk the same path as you in life. But not all lives unfold in the same way, and living unconventionally doesn’t mean that our lives are less valid or less meaningful than yours.

If anything, we really want you to respect us for the way we live, in the same way we respect you. We manage our finances and our homes, we have jobs and social lives – we balance everything without help, and we mostly do it well. We’re our own heroes. That should be worthy of your respect, even if you don’t understand us!

  1. We need our friends and family more than we’re comfortable letting on – and it really matters when you cancel on us!

When you live alone, relationships with friends and wider family are your primary connections, and we invest a lot of emotional energy into ours – this can make us amazing friends! We are aware however that we are not necessarily your primary connection. We know that your partner and immediate family come first – and that’s fine. But when you need to cancel or change plans, we can find it disproportionately difficult. Partly this is because we have to plan ahead more than other people to make sure we have a healthy amount of social contact during the week, and it doesn’t take much to throw out the schedule. But it’s also because we don’t have anyone else to fall back on. We may not always show it, especially if we’re towards the introvert end of the scale, but having time with you is incredibly important to us.

So if you do have to cancel, give us as much notice as possible – and please reassure us that we’ll see each other soon!

  1. Living alone comes at a cost……but you’d have to pay us even more to give it up

We pay a high price for living alone – literally. We pay 100% of the mortgage or rent, all of the bills and other household costs, and we quite often pay more for goods and services and holidays because we don’t get couples discounts. There’s an emotional cost too – we are solely responsible for every decision governing every aspect of our lives, we have to work harder to get the social contact that we need to stay healthy, and society still give us a hard time for not conforming to the perfect nuclear family ideal.

The thing we want you to know is that while living alone comes with its difficulties, it’s a way of life that many of us would struggle to give up. Having our own space and peace is important to us – and while it can be scary dealing with everything, it is deeply empowering and uplifting to be entirely responsible for yourself. We know that no relationship is guaranteed – and we have the tools to fall back to be able to build full, rich, meaningful lives for ourselves. We’re not afraid of being alone – and that means we’re confident setting a higher standard for ourselves. We shape our own space, and we make our own decisions. We know who we are, and we prioritise personal growth.

Secretly? We probably think that you should try living alone for a while, too.

Enjoyed this article? Leave your email for the latest from the Living Well Alone Project, and make sure you never miss another post!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s